Spring
by CK Aniston
Summary: AU. What if Olivia's life was the same, but Alex had never moved to New York? Set after the events of 15x20. Kind of angsty/fluffy/sexy. Not sure where I'll be taking this one. Eventually rated M, naturally.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER** - Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and all characters are property of NBC and Dick Wolf.

**A/N** - I have no idea where the hell I'm going with this story. Suggestions are welcome.

* * *

**-Chapter 1-**

Olivia stared down into her full glass of wine, the deep purple liquid swirling into pretty patterns. It was about the only thing in her whole life that seemed pretty at the moment.

She had obeyed Murphy's orders when he told her to take some time off, but she chose not to go home to Brian tonight. It was all just too much. He would be too clingy, hovering over her like she was broken. Which she was.

Right now, the only thing spinning in her head were Lewis' last words. _This is the last thing you're gonna think about before you die… the last thing you're gonna see._

Cool steel touching her temple.

_Click_. Every time she pulled the trigger, muscles tense.

Her own heartbeat when she realized she was still alive.

_Bang_. When the game was finally over.

Sticky red splatter covering her face, filling her nose with the smell of iron.

She was alive. She was alive.

But she still couldn't articulate how this made her feel. How this entire situation with Lewis made her feel. And she certainly wasn't ready to talk about it. And definitely not with Brian.

_Maybe I should end it_… Olivia thought to herself. But was she thinking of ending her relationship, or her career? She didn't even know anymore.

Olivia sipped on her wine, letting the slight acidic tang sweep over her tongue, savoring the nutty aroma. This was all she could do right now.

Sit. Drink. Think.

As much as she wanted the images to go away, begged them to just leave her alone, she knew it would be a process. So tonight was for drinking.

She looked out the floor-to-ceiling windows in the bar, taking in this beautiful city. Spring in Manhattan was always Olivia's favorite, especially in Soho with the quaint cobble-stone streets and grand architecture. Even though this spring was a little late, it was finally warm enough to just wear a sweater. She silently wondered which season it would be when she finally stopped thinking of Lewis.

Her thoughts were ripped from her own personal nightmare when a woman walked in the door. She was tall, probably Olivia's height, but the black patent leather Louboutins and skinny jeans made her seem statuesque, almost regal.

She suddenly felt self-conscious about her own appearance. She had taken three showers at the precinct and put on clean clothes, but her hair was a mess, she had no makeup on, and she was pretty sure that the stress of the day had been forever etched into her features.

Her gaze traveled upward to the well-tailored blazer, lapis pendant hanging by a thin gold chain, simple diamond studs, and then she lost herself. Hair, lips, eyes. Eyes the color of the ocean during summer, so deep it was almost frightening.

The blonde glanced around the room, looking for a place to sit. But at this hour, on a Saturday night, there was only one bar stool open. And it was next to Olivia.

"Hi. Mind if I sit here?" the blonde asked in a friendly tone.

Suddenly shy, Olivia almost whispered in response. "Of course not." She managed to force a small smile.

The bartender came over and offered a cocktail menu, but the woman didn't even look at it. "What are you drinking?"

Olivia was caught off guard. "Oh… me? Just pinot noir. Marcassin, I think it's called? It's from Sonoma."

"Alright, let's get a bottle then."

"Oh, that's very kind of you, but really it's not necess-"

The blonde was smirking as she interrupted the detective. "It's fine, really. This way we don't have to keep calling the bartender over for drinks. He's pretty swamped. And if we don't finish it, I can always just bring it back to my hotel."

The generosity of this stranger washed over Olivia in a flood of gratitude, every emotion seeming to be hyper-sensitive today. She finally showed her new friend a real smile. "Thank you."

The blonde raised her glass and declared "To New York. My very favorite city." The two women _clinked_ and took equally long pulls of their wine. "Goddamn, it's been a long day," the blonde exhaled as she peeled off her blazer and draped it across the back of her barstool.

Olivia chuckled slightly. "You have no idea." Another sip. There was something about this person, something about the angles of her face and the smokey tone of her voice and the way Olivia felt slightly dizzy when she looked straight at her. She had to ask. "What is your name?"

"Alexandra Cabot. Nice to meet you." Alex extended her hand and the detective took it in her own.

"Olivia Benson. It is very nice to meet you."

xx

"So, Olivia. What's your story?"

"Uh… today isn't really the day for me to tell you that." Olivia cast her eyes down into the swirling liquid again. She took a deep breath, willing the evil thoughts away. "Why don't you tell me about yourself. Are you in the city for business?"

"Pleasure, actually. I live in Boston, but my best friend just got married at The Plaza."

"So why are you out by yourself?"

"Because as of five o'clock this afternoon, she was on a plane headed for Tuscany."

"Ah, of course. So what do you do all the way up in Boston?"

"I'm a lawyer."

Olivia smirked. "You said you're a liar?"

"Very funny, Olivia. You must be a stand-up comedian," Alex retorted.

"I'm just kidding. I actually know many lawyers who are decent people. A few not so decent, but I'm sure you're one of the good guys."

"I am, as a matter of fact. I'm a prosecutor for Boston Special Victims."

Olivia sucked in a gasp and almost choked on her wine. "Wow, small world. I'm a detective for Manhattan Special Victims."

"Huh. Small world indeed, detective."

xx

The wine bottle was finally empty, and it was almost midnight. But Olivia just wasn't ready to go home and deal with her shit life.

"How 'bout another bottle, on me?" she asked the attorney.

"Are you trying to get me liquored up so you can take advantage of me?" Alex teased.

Heat spread through Olivia's body at the suggestion, but she decided to play it off. "I promise I'll be a perfect gentleman."

"Ah man, I wish you hadn't said that," Alex teased again.

_Is she… flirting with me?_ Olivia wondered. She was afraid to admit that yes, she hoped she was.

"I have to be honest about something," Alex stated seriously. Olivia's stomach dropped. "I was watching the news at the hotel before I left, and you were kind of all over it. I'm really sorry about what happened to you."

Olivia wanted to vomit. "Oh. Um- thanks. I don't really want to talk about it."

Alex put her hand on Olivia's thigh. "I know, Olivia. I just wanted to let you know."

Maybe it was the wine. Maybe it was the hand on her leg, a little too high. Maybe it was the pressure of the day that finally drove her crazy. Or maybe it was just the way Alex said her name, so sincere and so perfect. Olivia leaned in and kissed the blonde.

They both pulled away, suddenly aware of what had just happened. They looked at each other for a moment, silently taking stock of the situation. And then Alex leaned in and kissed Olivia back, hard, moving her hand to the detective's hip and tangling the other in silky brown hair.

Olivia didn't know exactly what she was doing, but she felt an overwhelming sense of calm. A feeling she wasn't sure she'd ever know again.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N** - Even though this is AU, I still wanted to keep Alex's characterization as true as possible. Also, while this may be Olivia's "first time" with a woman, I don't think she would be super nervous and weird about it. She's in her 40's, after all. Let me know what you think! :)

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**-Chapter 2-**

Olivia stared into the bathroom mirror, examining her naked body. She was still beautiful; she suspected she always would be. But she looked tired, exhausted, frustrated. Her body was battered and bruised, the work of a man who was now just a ghost. But the bruises were already starting to turn strange shades of yellow and green, a sign they were healing.

Alex had said she was beautiful, over and over again. She had gently run her fingertips along the borders of those bruises, referring to them as battle wounds. She had taken her time, gently caressing Olivia's body and helping to make her whole again. Olivia even thought it might have worked. In this parallel universe that was turning into reality, Olivia had to admit to herself that at this moment, looking into the mirror in Alex's hotel room, she really did feel alive.

As she traced the taught muscles along her stomach and grazed up to the soft skin underneath her breasts, she heard two soft knocks on the bathroom door.

"Olivia? Are you alright?"

"Uhh, yeah… I'll be out in a sec." She flushed the toilet.

When the _whoosh_ of water came to a stop, Alex spoke gain. "You have a missed call, by the way. From Brian Cassidy?"

Olivia pinched the bridge of her nose and turned the doorknob. She came out of the bathroom to the same breathtaking sight she had left. Creamy alabaster skin against a pair of deep plum lace boyshorts, bare breasts, flushed cheeks, and a look of genuine concern marking Alex's features. She had never felt this way about a woman, but she figured now was as good a time as ever to start making some changes.

"He called just a few minutes ago. Are you sure everything is okay? I know the first time can be… a little different," Alex said with a shy smile.

"No, no, it's not that. The first time was amazing," Olivia responded as she placed a soft kiss on Alex's full lips. "I'm just gonna go out in the hall to call him back. I'll be back in a minute." She grabbed her iPhone off the dresser, threw on Alex's fluffy hotel robe, and headed out into the hallway.

"_Olivia?"_

"Hey, Brian."

"_Where the hell are you? Are you okay?"_

"Yeah sweetie, I'm fine. I was just out with the guys and had a little too much to drink. I'm just gonna stay at Fin's tonight, okay?"

"_Yeah, sure Liv." _He sounded resigned. _"I'll talk to you tomorrow, I guess."_

"Yeah, there are a few things I think we should talk about. I'll call in the morning." Before Brian had a chance to respond, Olivia had already pressed the end call button.

xx

Olivia crawled into bed next to Alex, who promptly wrapped her surprisingly strong arms around the detective's body. They snuggled into the cool sheets, enveloped by the warmth of blankets and body heat. They laid there for several minutes, content in each other's embrace.

"I know you don't want to talk about what happened," Alex almost whispered. "But there's something I want to tell you about myself." Olivia silently wondered where this was going.

"Back in 2003, I was working this case. A rape/murder of an undercover officer. It turned out the perp worked for a Colombian drug cartel. Long story short, the cartel put out a hit on me and I was pronounced dead. October 14th 2003, 11:54pm. I had to move to Wisconsin, tell people I was from Tulsa. My name was Emily Bradshaw." Alex sucked in a steadying breath. It was still difficult to tell this story.

"Anyway, I just want you to know that I understand what it's like to have your whole world turned upside down. To look in the mirror and not recognize yourself. To look around and not know where you are anymore. But it gets better. You just have to have time, and patience, and maybe some alcohol." They both laughed. "But most importantly, people who can help you through it. And eventually it gets easier and easier to look in the mirror again. It gets easier to pick up the pieces and feel whole." Alex placed a kiss to Olivia's temple. Olivia squeezed Alex's hand.

"I think I'm already on my way there, counselor."

xx

Olivia walked down 59th Street, headed to the bench she and Brian liked to share by the Simon Bolivar statue in Central Park. He was already waiting when she got there, two Starbucks cups in hand.

"Hey, Liv," he kissed her on the cheek.

"Hi," she smiled as she took the coffee cup.

"How are you this morning?"

"I'm doing alright. Yesterday was just… I don't even know. I don't really want to talk about it yet."

"That's okay, Liv. You can take all the time you need."

"But that's the thing. I don't think I'll ever want to talk about it… with you." She stared down at her hands. They were shaking.

"Are you saying what I think you're saying? This has been coming for a while."

"I just think we need some time apart. You've been there for me on my worst days, and that's amazing. But I think it's just time, for us, to be separate."

"Right." Brian stared off into the distance, consciously avoiding making eye contact. He finally stood up. "Well, enjoy the coffee, Liv. I'll talk to you later." He walked away without looking back.

Olivia sat on the bench for a while. It could have been a few minutes, it could have been a few hours. Time seemed lost right now. When she finally finished her latte, she stood up, stretched her legs, and headed for the apartment.

She grabbed all of her essentials. Clothes, toothbrush, jewelry. A couple bottles of wine. She knew where she was going, she just didn't know if it was the greatest idea. What the hell was she even doing?

She knocked twice on the door of room 415. _Please be here_, she thought. Otherwise she was just a crazy homeless woman in the hallway of a hotel. A second later, the door opened. Alex just smiled when she saw Olivia's duffel bag.

"Welcome to The Plaza, detective."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N** - Alright, I'll definitely need suggestions from here on out. I don't know where to take this. Hope you enjoy another short chapter and please review!

* * *

**-Chapter 3-**

One Week Later

Alex had postponed her trip back to Boston in favor of staying in the city with Olivia. It had been interesting, to say the least. Such a quick coupling was sure to have its bumps, but when you've both already hit middle-age, the bumps don't seem so bad.

"So. What do you think?" Alex asked in between bites of salmon.

"Hmm?" Olivia sipped on her iced tea. "What do I think of what?"

"Dating a girl, silly," Alex teased.

Olivia let out a small laugh. "Oh, that. Well…" Olivia wanted to give this one some serious thought, "I don't think it's much different than dating a guy. Except you're much, much prettier."

Alex blushed. "Prettier than Brian?" she asked innocently.

Olivia was taken aback. "I- uh- well, yeah. You're definitely prettier than Brian. You're gorgeous, Alex."

"So is that over? Or am I just a post-traumatic crisis?"

Olivia just looked at Alex, stunned. Did she really just go there?

"Oh, Olivia. I'm sorry. I didn't- I didn't mean for that to come out so rude. I didn't mean it like that."

"Would you excuse me?" Olivia folded her napkin and placed it on her seat, headed for the ladies room. She didn't know what to think. What had she gotten herself into? She was quickly falling for Alex, but what the hell was that? Was she just jealous? She found the bathroom, sat down on the toilet, and cradled her head in her hands. She was sick of everyone thinking she was a ticking time-bomb, ready to explode at the slightest provocation.

She heard the door open, and a very quiet voice. She'd already know that voice anywhere. "Olivia? Are you in here?"

"Yeah, Alex. I'm kinda busy though. Give me a minute?"

"Um, okay. I'll just be outside."

Olivia washed her hands, watching as the bubbles swirled around the drain and finally disappeared. When she exited the ladies room, Alex was standing right outside.

"Olivia, I'm really sorry. That was so out of line. You've just never talked about him, and I really like you-"

"Alex, are you jealous?"

"Yeah… a little," she blushed. "I think I'd just feel better if you told me about him."

"Okay. Let's talk."

xx

They walked back to their seats and put down a few bills for the server, deciding to forego their late lunch in favor of cocktails at the bar. Olivia told Alex about Brian. How they had briefly dated over a decade ago, gotten back together a little over a year ago, had moved in together after the first incident with Lewis, and now it just… wasn't right. What else was there to tell?

"So, it's really over then? This isn't just a phase you're going through?"

"A phase? Alex, I'm 45 years old. Isn't it a little late for the girl-on-girl experimentation?" They both laughed. "This whole thing with us isn't about you being a girl. I just like you. A lot."

Alex felt a flood of relief wash over her like a dam bursting. "Good. I like you a lot, too."

They sat in silence for a while sipping their drinks, watching the Mets game, holding hands on top of the bar. "We should go away for a while," Olivia said out of the blue.

"That's random," Alex responded, slightly surprised.

"Well why not?" Olivia asked. "We're already basically living in a hotel together, and I have as much time off as I need. That is, if I even decide to go back to work."

"You're forgetting one very small detail, detective. I have a job, too. And I've already maxed out my requests for a while since I decided to stay in New York for another week."

"So quit." Olivia said it like it was so easy.

"I- I can't quit, Olivia."

"Yes you can, Alex. You've been staying at The Plaza for a week and a half, for Christ sake. You're obviously more than financially secure. I really need to get away, to spend some time rebuilding my life. And I'd really love it if you were there to rebuild it with me."

The sincerity in her voice made Alex's heart melt, but she was still unsure. "This is crazy! You just want to drop everything and leave? Just get up and go?" She was filled with skepticism.

"Excuse me, Alexandra, but you were the one who came up to me in that bar and bought us a bottle of wine. You were the one who started this whole thing. And now you're here. And I don't want you to leave. So just come with me." She was squeezing Alex's hand so tight, pools starting to build in her eyes and threatening to spill over.

Alex couldn't resist this woman. There was no reason to try. "Okay."

As simple as that.

xx

They packed up their things that night. Alex left a message with the DA's office in Boston requesting a leave of absence, hoping that her job might still be there when she came back, if she ever did. They still had no idea where they were going. Another state? Another country? Anywhere but here, as far as Olivia was concerned.

They finally got to JFK around nine o'clock and went to purchase tickets when a familiar face was spotted in the crowded airport.

"Liv! Hey, wait up!"

Olivia spun around and saw her ex, looking slightly confused.

"Brian! What are you doing here?"

"I have to go testify for the prosecution against this guy I put away a few years back when I was undercover. I'm going to DC. Where are you headed?" he asked, and then he saw her.

"Hey babe, we really have to decide on a destination." Alex walked over from the bathroom as she was checking her phone for flights. She looked up just in time to play it cool. "Oh, who's this?"

"Um… Alex Cabot, this is Brian Cassidy." There was an awkward pause and then the two shook hands. "We don't really know where we're going. We're just, I don't know, going."

Brian looked even more confused than before. "So Liv, is this why you needed some time apart? Because you were cheating on me? With a fucking girl?" He noticeably sized up Alex, knowing she was way out of his league. Alex just stood there, cool as a cucumber.

"Brian, please keep your voice down! I didn't cheat on you. Well- I didn't- I didn't really cheat on you."

"Whatever, Liv. You're a fucking liar."

"I almost died, Brian! I almost had to shoot myself in the head! Did they tell you that's what he made me do? He put five bullets in the gun and we took turns pulling the fucking trigger! I can't live this life anymore! I can't be with you, and I can't be here, and I just have to start over. And I'm sorry, but I never meant to hurt you. Please believe that."

Brian was stunned, naturally, but managed to pull Olivia into a crushing embrace. "Take care of yourself, Olivia. I'll always love you. Always," he whispered in her ear. And then he was wheeling his suitcase away into the crowd.

xx

Alex didn't let go of Olivia's hand once. All the way through tickets, baggage claim, even security. The entire plane ride. They shared earbuds and listened to John Mayer while Olivia cried silently into Alex's shoulder, Alex's fingers tangled in her girlfriend's silky brown hair. When Olivia finally cried herself to sleep, Alex ordered a scotch on the rocks and kept the playlist going. Dave Matthews, Snow Patrol, Coldplay, City and Colour. All of Olivia's favorite bands. She dozed off around three in the morning, but when they landed an hour later, it was only one o'clock in San Francisco.


End file.
